Military Dad’s Completely Uninformed Football Picks for Week 3

I must either be crazy or unable to count because it looks like I somehow went 13-3 with my picks last week. I definitely think someone needs to go back and recount those because that doesn’t make sense at all. That actually brings my overall record to 23-9 for the year which probably means that there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to the football season whatsoever.

This will be the last week where I make these picks completely on my own. Since I’m going home tomorrow, my wife, 7 year old daughter, and 4 year old son will be making the majority of these picks based upon whatever criteria they feel necessary in the future. The one exception will be every Dolphins game because the worst thing that could have happened to me was Miami starting off 2-0. I’m now all-in on them for the rest of the season.

On to the picks…

Kansas City at Philadelphia

Andy Reid really seems to be loving life in Kansas City. From the size of his waste, I can only assume that it’s because he’s found Arthur Bryant’s or Oklahoma Joe’s. Chiefs to win!

Green Bay at Cincinnati

For this pick, I just googled famous musicians from each city. The only one I recognized from Cincinnati was Blessid Union of Souls which I listened to in high school. On the other side, the phrase “Famous Musicians from Green Bay” might be the only thing I’ve ever typed into Google that didn’t return an actual result. My browser actually shrugged its shoulders and said, “Hey, what do you want? I’m not a miracle worker here.” It also turns out that my browser has a New Jersey accent. Bengals to win!

St. Louis at Dallas

First fun fact I was able to find about St. Louis: 7-Up was invented there. First fun fact I was able to find about Dallas: the frozen margarita machine was invented there. Cowboys for the win!

San Diego at Tennessee

I’m sorry to the good people of Nashville, but in the battle of Mexican Food vs. Country Music, there’s only 1 winner. Chargers to win!

Cleveland at Minnesota

My daughter has about 37 favorite colors, but none of them are brown. Vikings to win!

Tampa Bay at New England

Bill Belichick has been an a**hole coach much longer than Greg Schiano has been an a**hole coach. Patriots to win!

Arizona at New Orleans

So, let’s hypothetically say that your team’s defense happened to have a bounty program in place that rewarded defenders for hurting the opposing team’s players. Would anybody on the Cardinals offense besides Larry Fitzgerald be worth more than about $2.35? Saints to win!

Detroit at Washington

I looked at the list of the most dangerous places to live, and I was amazed to find that D.C. has fallen all the way down to #46 on the list. This is terrific news, and I’m happy for all the residents, but it makes me wonder if the city is starting to lose it’s killer instinct. Detroit’s ranking did not make me think that. Lions to win!

New York Giants at Carolina

When I initially saw this match-up, the first picture that jumped into my brain was Luke Kuechly giving Eli Manning a swirly in a locker room toilet. I now can’t get the image out of my head. Panthers to win!

Houston at Baltimore

Last week, I picked the Ravens to lose because I needed a friend to be taken down a notch or two. That didn’t work out so well, so now it’s Houston’s turn. Texans to win!

Atlanta at Miami

Honestly, at this point, Miami could be playing rugby against the New Zealand national team, and I’m still going to pick them. I have a strange feeling that I’m going to have a very heartbreaking end to this season. Dolphins to win!

Buffalo at New York Jets

Only one of these teams actually plays their home games in the state of New York, and it’s not the Jets. Seriously though…I hate New Jersey as much as the next guy, but why haven’t they thrown a fit about this yet? Bills to win!

Indianapolis at San Francisco

The single greatest non-home-cooked meal that I’ve ever had happened in Indianapolis. This pick is based solely the BLT at The Barking Dog Cafe. If they can make a simple sandwich that still keeps me awake at night, their football team must be awesome. Colts to win!

Jacksonville at Seattle

I was able to stay awake through the entire first half of last week’s game between the Seahawks and 49ers. After seeing that, I’d be surprised if the Jaguars are able to get past their own 30 yard line. I sincerely just hope that they all escape the game alive. Seahawks to win!

Chicago at Pittsburgh

The worst hotel room I’ve ever stayed in was in Pittsburgh. On the other hand, I went to boot camp near Chicago where I spent 10 weeks sleeping in an open room with about 50 of my closest friends. I guess that probably trumps 1 night in a dirty hotel room…barely. Bears to win!

Oakland at Denver

Terrelle Pryor is the starting QB for the Raiders??? Like…the Terrelle Pryor??? I have no idea how that happened, but it sure sounds like a fair match-up against Peyton Manning. Broncos to win!

Those are the picks for week 3. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that I will not go 13-3 again. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if those numbers are flipped despite the fact that I’m making these picks after the Thursday night game.

Be sure to turn in next week when the wife and kids will be putting my game picking skills to shame.

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