Last week as I was getting ready to fly home, I decided to eat lunch at the bar in a restaurant airport while waiting for my flight. I sat down and ordered a soda and some chicken strips and tried to settle in for what was going to be a long day. What followed was about 30 minutes of weird, awkward, and unsettling events that just threw me for a complete loop. Trying to tell the story in one sitting would result in a huge post, so I’m going to break it up into the 3 major parts. Tune in the next couple days for the rest, but up first is the portion that I’ve decided to call…
The World’s Drunkest Human
When I initially sat down, I placed my backpack on the barstool next to me. While I was sipping on my Pepsi, I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard some sort of mumble. I made the assumption someone wanted to sit in the chair, so I mentioned that it was my bag and started to move it. I then heard the person say, “Well, get it out of my way then!” in what I think was supposed to be a joking manner. I looked over my shoulder to see a giant of a man wearing a Tom Brady jersey. What followed was one of the strangest conversations of my life where he decided to tell me all about the sex that he was going to have with his ex-girlfriend that night. At least, I think that’s what it was about. I’ll let you decide for yourself. Here’s the conversation to the best of my recollection. Try to imagine it all happening with every word being slurred.
Worlds Drunkest Human (WDH): “Hey bartender! Can I get a Bloooooddyy Maaaaarrry?”
Bartender: “Sure thing.”
WDH (turning to me): “Where are you going?”
Me: “Ah, my dad just passed away, so I’m flying home to take care of it.”
WDH: “That’sh great! HEY! hey hey hey…lishen, lishen, lishen…tomorrow’sh my birfday, and I’m going to Chi…Chi…um…Chicago to have shex with my exsh-girly.”
Me: “Um…happy birthday?”
WDH: “Yeah, yeah, yeah…it’sh going to be great. She called me up, and I was like sshhure I’ll come out for shum fun. You know how it ish though. I think she’sh going to make me take her to a Cubsh game firsht because you know…she likesh to be taken care of before we do the do…you know what I mean…yeah, you definitely know what I’m talking about.”
WDH: “Anyway, after the game, we’re gonna have shum fun….it’sh going to be aweshum….hey! Tomorrow’sh my birfday.”
Me: “Happy birthday...”
Bartender: “Here’s your Bloody Mary.”
WDH (to me): “Well…you have a great trip…Hey! Where are you going again?”
WDH: “Have a great day!”
That, ladies and gentlemen, was just the first portion of this amazing lunch. Tune in tomorrow when I discuss part 2 where I may have watched a marriage dissolve because of an iPad.