Military Dad’s Completely Uninformed Football Picks for Week 1

I used to follow professional football religiously. Two kids and a wife that becomes unhappy when you swear at the TV have somewhat changed that over the years. Now, I still enjoy watching the occasional game, and I still believe that my Dolphins are going to win the Super Bowl every year, but most of my information comes from about 5 minutes of SportsCenter that I happen to catch before I head to work.

Therefore, I thought it would be fun to pick the winners of each game every week even though I really don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. I’m only picking the games straight up because the spread is for degenerate gamblers (another thing that makes wives frown), and I’ll try to make each pick humorous with varying degrees of success. The good news is that I’m usually going to write this post on Saturday, so I’m pretty much guaranteed to get the Thursday games right. 🙂

Baltimore at Denver

Call me crazy here, but I have a feeling that Peyton might have a huge game here…just a feeling. Broncos to win!

New England at Buffalo

Even Belichick doesn’t know who the Bills are going to start at QB and he has video footage of all their practices. Patriots to win!

Cincinnati at Chicago

I don’t really know anything about these teams, but my mom always loved Boomer Esiason’s butt. Bengals to win!

Miami at Cleveland

I can’t believe that 2013, the year that the ancient Aztecs predicted Miami would win the Super Bowl, has finally arrived. Dolphins to win!

Minnesota at Detroit

The last time somebody rushed for 2,000 yards and then started making ridiculous predictions about how many they would run for the next season, it turned out great. Right, Chris Johnson? Lions to win!

Indianapolis at Oakland

I once watched a football game at the Oakland Coliseum, and I was really amazed by how low key and respectful the fans were to the visiting team. Colts to win!

Atlanta at New Orleans

To the best of my recollection, professional sports teams from Atlanta don’t actually start choking until the postseason. Falcons to win!

Tampa Bay at New York Jets

I honestly don’t really know or care who is going to win this game. I just sincerely hope that since I’m currently in the New England area it isn’t televised. Buccaneers to win!

Tennessee at Pittsburgh

A quick google image search of these two quarterbacks reveals that both Roethlisberger and Locker have pretty big noses. Big Ben’s looks like it’s been broke about 12 times though. That’s good enough for me. Steelers to win!

Seattle at Carolina

This is my biggest upset pick of the week. The Seahawks have to fly all the way across the country to whatever Carolina it is that the Panthers happen to play in (I’m going to go with North?). Also, Cam Newton is probably pretty upset that all of last year’s rookies like Russell Wilson are already being called better than him (which they probably are). Panthers to win!

Kansas City at Jacksonville

Apparently, Jacksonville still has a team. Neat. Chiefs to win!

Arizona at St. Louis

I remember watching Sam Bradford in college and thinking that he was going to be the next Peyton Manning. I haven’t really followed him since, but I’m sure my prediction has come true. Rams to win!

Green Bay at San Francisco

I’ve visited San Francisco before, and it was pretty cool. I’ve also been to Wisconsin before, and…San Francisco was pretty cool. 49ers to win!

New York Giants at Dallas

I’m sorry, but Peyton and Eli doing that “Football on Your Phone” commercial was probably my biggest highlight of the offseason. Giants to win!

Philadelphia at Washington

I really like RGIII. Being a fan of the Big XII, I watched him every once in awhile at college, and he seems like a legitimately nice dude. On the other hand, I also like Michael Vick because I’m afraid not to. Eagles to win!

Houston at San Diego

I moved to San Diego almost 3 years ago now, so I probably know more about the Chargers than any other team. Texans to win!

There are my week 1 picks. That was actually exhausting, and there’s no way I’ll be able to keep it up for 17 weeks, but it will be fun to try. I might even learn the name of somebody that doesn’t play quarterback along the way.

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