I’m starting to figure out why I’ve been having a difficult time while I’ve been in Rhode Island. I’m doing fine in school, but I haven’t felt like myself for about 4 months now, and I’ve just been generally depressed the entire time. I realized that I’m not acting like myself because…I’m not myself right now.
When I met my wife over a decade ago, I almost immediately ceased being an individual and became part of a couple. She’s always there for me, and she tends to bring out the best in me. I try to play the same role for her, and we have become a composite unit. If you want to hang out with me, you better be prepared to entertain CinC HOUSE as well. We’re a package deal.
Then, once we had kids, we stopped being a couple and became a family. The kids go where we go, and they’ve become a part of us. I stopped defining myself as an individual years ago, and I now think of myself as a husband and father.
To bring this full circle, the reason I haven’t felt right here is that I only brought 25% of myself with me. The father and husband stayed in San Diego while whatever parts are left made the trip by itself. It’s the reason that I’m much more uncomfortable around people than usual. It’s why I go to bed every night feeling like I’ve left something undone and then have a hard time sleeping. When you’re used to have a few people around you bringing out your best, it’s really hard to start doing it yourself. I normally walk around feeling like a hollow projection. It’s like I’m still back in California, but I’m just casting my shadow here.
The bad news is that it’s part of what I do, and this certainly won’t be the last time I have to leave.
The good news is that this portion is nearly over. I will now be graduating in less than 2 months. I’ll then hit the road to meet the wife and kids. It’ll be nice to be whole again.