This weekend is going to be…different. My family will remain 3,000 miles away, and even my roommates are going to be out of town. As a result, I will have an entire 3 day weekend to myself. That’s terrifying…
What exactly does someone do on the weekend when you don’t have kids waking you up by 5:30? How do you pass the time when there aren’t 30 things that need to be done around the house? Am I allowed to stay up past 10:00? Can I take naps for no reason at all? What exactly is this thing that people call “free time?”
It has been a mighty long time since I had a weekend where I wasn’t with my family or working. I have no idea what to do, but here’s how I envision all 3 days going.
0530: Wake up without an alarm (I have 2 kids, and I’ve been in the Navy for 15 years. Old habits die hard).
0545: Drink coffee #1.
0600: Yell at kids for running in the house before remembering that they aren’t here.
0630: Turn on SportsCenter.
0645: Feel guilty for watching TV while the kids are home before remembering that they aren’t here.
0646: Turn off SportsCenter anyway.
0700: Drink coffee #2.
0800: Go outside to pick up dog poop in the backyard before remembering that I don’t have dogs here…or a backyard.
0900-1200: Try to figure out what to do with the rest of my day (drink coffees #3-#7).
1200: Turn on PlayStation, wait for CinC HOUSE to tell me to turn it off.
1215: Switch from coffee to something a bit stronger.
1300: Fall asleep on couch.
1315: Reflexively wake up screaming and shielding my face from the imminent attack from child/dog.
1400: Realize that I’m starving because without my wife around, I forget to feed myself.
1430: Finish my lunch of buttered bread since I have nothing else to eat because the grocery store terrifies me.
1500: Start laundry by dumping all my clothes in at one time, regardless of color, and starting the washing machine on whatever setting it already happened to be on.
1530: Turn on PlayStation again to see how far my wife’s telepathic video game senses really extend.
1600: Decide I’m going to watch a movie that I wouldn’t normally be able to watch with the kids around. 300? Sin City? Die Hard? The entire Rocky Anthology? There are so many options.
1630: Realize I’m watching Despicable Me.
1700: Remember to put laundry in dryer.
1701: Realize I forget to close the lid on the washing machine, so the laundry never actually started.
1702: Close lid on washing machine.
1730: Try to figure out what I want for dinner.
1735: Realize I’m out of bread…and butter. Decide to order a pizza.
1745-1815: Finish watching Despicable Me while waiting for pizza to arrive.
1815: Try to figure out which $3 bottle of wine goes with a Pepperoni and Black Olive Pizza.
1900: Finish entire pizza. Realize that I’m now watching Cars 2.
2000: Finish entire bottle of wine. Tell imaginary kids to go brush their teeth.
2030: Decide that I’ll actually take this opportunity to read.
2035: Crawl into bed, get extremely comfortable, open book, remember that I still need to put my clothes in the dryer.
2035-2045: Try to figure out how to empty lint trap.
2045: Give up and just start dryer on whatever setting it happened to be on.
2100: Crawl back into bed, get extremely comfortable, pick up book, and then fall asleep while removing the book mark.
That’s basically how I envision every day going this weekend. You can probably substitute washing machine with dishwasher, pizza with Chinese food, and wine with…actually, it will still be wine, but the days will be fairly similar. I can’t wait…