Beast Matchmaker

Last night, we decided to have a Family Jammie Movie Party. This involved me moving all of the furniture out of the living room and throwing the kids’ sleeping bags (that CinC HOUSE made herself) and the futon mattress down on the floor. Then, we all put on our pajamas, and the kids each got to pick out a movie. We started with Little Dude’s selection of Wall-E and then moved into Beauty and the Beast for Princess.

My wife and I have a strange habit of getting creative with movies once we start to get bored with them. This mostly happens with the movies that we have seen a thousand times (our best work was with Bolt), and it normally involves a couple glasses of wine. It’s funny because roles get reversed, and the kids start telling us that we just need to sit down, be quiet, and watch the movie.

There was no alcohol last night, but by the time the 2nd movie rolled around, my mind was wandering. It occurred to me that Beauty and the Beast would have been a much different (and shorter) movie if dating sites would have been around in 18th Century France. There must be thousands of women out there that like big, hairy men with their own castles, right? It would just be a matter of getting online and finding a likely match that’s not freaked up our fangs and horns. Arrange a meeting, fall madly in love, the enchanted rose stops wilting, and the credits roll. The end.

Of course, I can’t leave well enough alone, so I had to start thinking about what Beast’s dating profile would have looked like. Since I spent the better part of the movie pondering it, I’m now going to share it with you (I apologize). Please keep in mind that I’ve never been on a dating site, so I’m basically throwing this together into a stereotypical SWM (SHB???) seeking SWF type of thing. Once again, I’m so sorry that you’re going to read this. Enjoy!


Single Hairy Beast seeking true love!

8’10”, 380 lbs, brown hair, and big blue eyes! Athletic build with a pronounced stoop.

I’m looking for a woman that will love me for who I am. I’m extremely shy and a bit of a shut-in, and I need a woman to open my doors. I reside in an incredibly spacious house that has real personality. I enjoy reading books by the fire, dinners with a show, and imprisoning old men that stumble onto my property seeking assistance. I’m looking for a partner that shares my love of books, staying indoors, and yelling at animated pieces of furniture. She must have an open mind and be willing to try new things. If you love running your fingers through hair and giving manicures, I could be the man for you.

Warning: I can be a little rough around the edges, but I need a good woman to soothe the savage beast inside (and outside, for that matter)!

If you are the woman for me, I will fight a pack of hungry wolves to earn your trust. I will change my behavior (up to, and including, using silverware) to suit your tastes. For each petal that falls, I become more desperate for your love! If you can teach me to love and love me in return, I will change for the better.

Please apply, in person, at the creepy castle in the middle of the dark forest. I look forward to hairing from you soon!

As an added bonus, this would set everything up for a great sequel. Once the woman dumps the beast because he becomes human and no longer looks like his profile picture, he can try to find love all over again. Brilliant!

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