When I first heard about “Spin Class,” I assumed that it was some sort of dance fitness thing. When I was told that it was actually a fitness class where you ride stationary bikes, I had to scoff a little bit. I had no doubt that it was a good workout or the class wouldn’t exist, but it didn’t sound like anything too taxing. I mean, I’ve been riding a bike since I was about 4 years old. When I was a kid, I used to ride a 15 year old 3-speed 6 miles through the back country of North Dakota just to play with a friend for a couple hours before riding back again. We we were stationed in Monterey, I rode my bike to class most days, and there was a pretty good sized hill enroute. I’m not exactly Lance Armstrong, but I’ve pedaled my way around before.
Last Friday, I saw that there was a class going on at the gym, so I decided to give it a shot. I may have slightly underestimated the difficulty of the class. When reading the below series of events, please keep in mind that I am normally not a swearer. That’s how much pain I was in.
I arrived about 10 minutes early, so that I could stretch out. The class instructor (I forgot her name, so we’ll just call her Satan) noticed that I hadn’t been there before, so she decided to show me the basics. There were 4 levels, so she put me on a bike and dialed each one in. Here is my basic thought process for each level.
Level 1: Ok, this isn’t that bad. I could probably do this for the full hour.
Level 2: Well, that’s a little harder, but as long as we switch back to level 1 every once in awhile, I should be fine.
Level 3: Ummmm….ok, that one hurts. Just tough it out while she’s watching though.
Level 4: Holy #$%*ing @$&%!!! What in the flying !@^$ is that???
Eventually, Satan walked away, so I started looking towards the door. Could I fake an appointment? I can probably get through the door before she realizes I’m gone. Maybe, I can pretend like I’m going to go fill my water and never come back. Of course, by the time all these thoughts rolled through my head, it was time to begin and too late to go anywhere. Here’s the basic timeline for the thoughts that were rolling through my head over the next hour.
11:30 (class starts) – Ok, you can do this. No problem. Just keep pedaling.
11:33 – Ok, so this is really gonna hurt. There’s too many women in here to quit though. Have some pride.
11:38 – #$%* my pride!!! This %$#* hurts!!! Are all these women bionic? Did I somehow walk into the U.S. Olympic Cycling Team training session? What’s going on here?
11:45 – Hey! This isn’t so bad after your legs go numb. Only 45 minutes left! I can do it!
11:46 – OOOWWWW!!! The feeling came back!
11:53 – Do you remember how Dr. House lost all of the muscle in his thigh? Did that happen in a spin class?
11:57 – Why is nobody else screaming out loud?
12:00 – Half-way there…mommy…
12:06 – Don’t worry. You’re sweating so much that nobody can actually see the tears.
12:08 – Is this seat made out of Kevlar? It’s seems to me that some sort of padding would be useful here.
12:11 – SECOND WIND, BABY!!! Here I come! The finish line is in sight!
12:12 – Holy ^#%$. I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong.
12:20 – Only 10 minutes left. Let’s speed it up to show Satan that you can handle it.
12:21 – SLOW BACK DOWN!!! What’s wrong with you?
12:25 – I need a Gatorade.
12:26 – I need a Powerbar.
12:27 – I need morphine.
12:28 – Did that clock just stop moving completely?
12:29 – Just don’t throw up. You can still walk out of here with some pride.
12:30 – YES! Success! Now, all I have to do is figure out how to get off this bike, walk down the 25 stairs, walk out to my car, and then drive the 30 minutes to get home…mommy…