Last night I stumbled across a terrific post by Charlie over at the How To Be A Dad blog detailing the reasons that he would rule the hunger games. I found it to be hilarious (please check it out, it really is brilliant). I’ve read the books and really enjoyed them, so I decided to put my own list together.
Now, some of you may be looking at the name of the blog and thinking that I’m going to talk about my military training. You would be absolutely wrong. While some of that stuff would certainly come in helpful, the real reasons I would dominate the games are all things that I have developed during my time as a father. After you read this list, I think you’ll agree that I would be the one making the victory tour after the games were over.
1. My Ability to Hide
Have you ever tried to read a book at home when you have a wife and 2 kids? They can hear you removing a bookmark from 3 miles. If you even think about reading, you’ll have 60 pounds of child sitting in your lap and a wife asking you to take out the trash before you can even pick the book up. That’s why I’ve had to perfect my hiding skills over the past years. Am I in the bathroom? Am I in the hall closet behind the vacuum? Am I in the garage rafters? Wherever I am, I have a book and you can’t find me. I’m able to accomplish this feat in a 1300 square foot house. If you give me 25 acres of jungle and the complete collection of Sherlock Holmes, you’ll never see me again.
2. My Ability to Dodge
I spend the majority of my time at home dodging things that fly at supersonic speeds. This mostly includes small body parts like elbows, knees, and foreheads. Every once in a while, it will be a toy car or (if I say the wrong thing to my wife) a toaster. It’s pretty much a nonstop barrage. Once you’ve perfected the ability to dodge a knee aimed at your groin, a matchbox car aimed at your face, and a well-timed elbow to the throat, while also avoiding eye-contact with your wife, I can guarantee that someone running at you with a knife would turn into a Matrix-style slow-motion sequence. I’m reasonably sure that I could simply pluck arrows out of the air and throw them back faster than they came.
3. My Incredible Carrying Capacity
Do you remember in the original Resident Evil game where you only had a finite amount of things that you could carry? Once you got past a certain point, if you wanted to pick up the green herb, you had to put down the magnum pistol or medical kit. Yeah…that’s not me. I have walked through the zoo before with a diaper bag on one shoulder, a lunch pail on my other shoulder, my wife’s purse strung around my neck, a backpack (filled with 3 changes of clothes, 4 bottles of waters, enough hand sanitizer to wash down the elephants, tissues, snacks, and 3 cameras), 25 pounds of child sitting on my shoulders, and 40 pounds of child riding my right leg. If I needed to pick up a spear, do you know what I would have to put down first? Absolutely nothing. I’d just use duct tape (also in the backpack) to strap that thing around my arm.
4. My Enhanced Immune System
My daughter is in Kindergarten, or as I like to call it, “Nature’s Petri Dish.” She has brought things home that would make President Snow say, “That is disgusting and inhumane.” I have had kids sneeze directly onto my eyeball before. Do you really think trackerjacker venom is going to have any effect on me? No chance. There’s actually a good possibility that the trackerjackers would catch whatever had been carried home from school last week and start feeling nauseous.
5. My Ability to Lie
I’ve been known to spin a yarn a time or two. When you combine that with my requirement to bring certain characters to life (Santa, Easter Bunny, etc…), I’m pretty confident in my ability to fool my competition. Eventually, there would be a conversation much like this:
Peeta: “I think we need to form an alliance if we want to survive.”
Me: “That’s a brilliant idea. It’s probably the only way we’ll make it out of here alive.”
Peeta: “I’m glad you agree.”
Me: “Alright, but we need to stay on the move. You take the point, and I’ll cover your six.”
Peeta: “Awesome! Let’s…gaaahhhhh!”
Me: “Yeah, I’m really sorry about that, but don’t worry. The Arrow in your Kidney Fairy will be along in a couple minutes to leave you a quarter….Hey,I’ve got a little bit of room on my left hip, so I’ll just go ahead and take your pack. You don’t happen to have any books in there do you?”