Down With the Sickness

Growing up, I rarely got sick. I was a pretty healthy kid, and even the harsh winters of North Dakota couldn’t give me the flu. If I missed school, it was probably because I wanted to and not because I had to. This trend continued well into adulthood. I’d get sick maybe once or twice a year bad enough that I would have to miss work. I’d usually get over it quickly and carry on smartly. Then…I had kids. For those of you without kids, enjoy your years of health because they will quickly end once your own bundle of joy arrives.

You had better believe that the kids do it on purpose too. When you take them to a public place, they grab that fairly harmless cold bug that only lasts about 24 hours and couldn’t even touch your matured immune system. They ingest those germs into the petri dish that they call a body. Then, their devious little innards go to work transforming it into a super virus that 3rd world dictators would hesitate to release upon their enemies.

So, this particular germ only induces a runny nose??? That’s not good enough. Let’s throw in some violent vomiting, a migraine headache, and a fever of 104.5.

It normally runs it course in only 12 hours??? No, no, no. Let’s make it last 3 weeks. 

Theraflu will make the symptoms go away??? After I’m done with it, a mixture of Nyquil, Robitussin, and Black Tar Heroin won’t be able to make you forget how miserable you are.

Alright, it looks like this is about ready. It’s time to release it. “Hey daddy, look how cute I am. Can I please have a kiss?” Smooch….sucker! Enjoy the upcoming 12 hours when you’ll be afraid to leave the bathroom because you don’t know which end the fluids are going to come out of first. HAHAHA! VICTORY IS MINE!!!

You would think that getting us sick would be the final step to this torture, but it’s just the beginning. They could just let you rest and beg for death in peace, but now it’s time to play. You remember how the only thing they’ve wanted to play with for the past 3 weeks is their Leap Pad? Yeah…that time is over. Now they want attention, and they want it from you.

How’s that headache feel now that I’m crashing cars into your face? Really, your stomach feels a little weak? Look at what I just dug out of my nose.

After you have kids, be prepared to save your sick days for when you’re actually sick. That one Thursday a month when you used to call in sick, so that you could go to the game…it’s not going to happen. The only baseball you’ll be experiencing will involve your kid’s toy lightsaber as the bat and your aching head as the ball. Normally, you could avoid it, but the light sensitivity makes it pretty difficult to see. The combination of tylenol, sleeping pills, and crack will also slow your reflexes somewhat.

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