Formally Announcing My Retirement

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for attending this press conference. This has been a difficult decision to make, and I would like to thank you for sharing this moment with me and my family.

I’ve been dominating this sport now for well over a decade, and I’ve decided that it’s finally time to step down. After 20 playoff appearances and no less than 12 championships, it’s safe to say that I have had a pretty successful run over the years, and it’s feels good to leave the game on top and with my health intact. I’m sure you’ve seen others that squandered their legacies by continuing to play long past when they were truly effective. Rest assured that this won’t be the case for me. I’m going to walk away with my dignity and my head held high.

Yes…I can see that someone has a question…..What sport did I play???? How did this guy even get in here? Seriously, who comes to a press conference without doing some sort of research? Do you not realize that you are in the presence of one of the most successful fantasy footballers in the history of the known (and unknown) universe? Seriously, get this guy out of here.

Any other questions??? No??? Then, I shall continue.

It seems like it was only yesterday that I was a young rookie finding my way around the league. You see, while I loved football and have always been a die-hard Dolphins fan, there was just something missing. There were so many games that I just didn’t care about. There was always some match-up between teams like the Browns and Cardinals in week 6 that just wasn’t on my radar. How could I become an even greater football fan? How could I make games between the Jaguars and Chiefs actually matter in the grand scheme of things? The answer was fantasy football. Now, I would watch the Browns and Cardinals because I needed Cleveland’s running back to get 85 yards and a touchdown for me to pull off the win. Yes, I may have actually drafted a Browns running back… Like I said, I was a rookie.

I learned my way around pretty quickly though, and there were some amazing moments. Who can forget the time that I picked up Kurt Warner off the waiver wire after Trent Green got injured? What about Ronnie Brown’s 5 touchdown performance against the Patriots in 2008? How about assembling the greatest wide receiver corps in history after taking a gamble on DeSean Jackson in round 7 and Vincent Jackson in round 9 of the 2009 draft? I combined them with my 3rd round pick of Reggie Wayne, and rode that group straight to the championship.

I will admit that there were some bumps along the way. I may have a weakness for aging running backs with past success. Shaun Alexander taught me that lesson the hard way. There were a couple times where I tried to place an All-Star roster around a mediocre quarterback, and it just didn’t turn out. It doesn’t matter how solid your lineup is, if your starting quarterback is Matt Hasselbeck, you’re probably going to struggle to make the playoffs. Of course, let’s not leave out this last year’s draft debacle where 3 out of my first 4 picks were Michael Vick, Reggie Wayne, and DeSean Jackson (see how much difference 2 years can make). Sure, picking up Maurice Jones-Drew in the 2nd round was nice, but it couldn’t make up for the rest of that team.

So, after so much success, why would I leave the game when (I think we can all admit) I’m at my peak? Well, the pendulum has swung the other way. I now have too much interest in the games, and it’s hard for me to enjoy the simple beauty of football. Now, instead of simply cheering on my beloved Dolphins, I’m hoping they can somehow win while allowing the other teams wide receiver to catch 2 touchdowns without running up the score since I have Miami’s defense and hoping that the Dolphins score all of their points with field goals over 40 yards since those are worth a bonus point for my kicker. It’s too much, and it’s time to step aside for the younger guys that have the energy to track such things. Besides, I’ve been dominating the game for so long that it’ll be nice to let someone else have a chance to win every once in a while.

I was going to set aside some time for you to ask me a few questions, but that other jackass kind of ruined it for you. Instead, I’ll leave you with a few rules to live by as you begin or continue your journey with fantasy football.

  1. Never draft a kicker before the final round.
  2. Always make fun of the person that drafts a kicker before the final round.
  3. Never use a pick earlier than the 6th round on a running back over the age of 30.
  4. Never use a pick earlier than the 5th round on a player from any of the following teams: Arizona, St. Louis, Cleveland, Cincinnati (really, the entire state of Ohio), and Seattle.
  5. Never use a pick earlier than the 7th round on a player that held out for a better contract during most of the preseason (see: Chris Johnson).
  6. Never brag about a win in the first half of the season.
  7. Always take pictures of yourself with the championship trophy and e-mail it to the rest of the league every Monday until the next season’s draft arrives.

In closing, I would like to thank everyone for their attention. I’ve decided that I am going to spend my retirement wearing Wranglers, driving tractors, and doing everything that I possibly can to remain relevant in a world that no longer cares about me. I have also started up a charity that is going to assist underprivileged youths develop proper waiver wire methods. I think we can all agree that it is a skill that will serve them well in the future. Thank you.

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